Practical Uses for Man-Boobs #1
Face the facts, fatty. You can suck the gut in and puff out the chest all you want, it isn't helping. It only makes more obvious the sad fact that you've got bonafide man-boobs. But don't worry, it's not all bad news. Despite popular opinion, man-boobs are not the shameful useless flabby sacks of saggy pectoral goo they are typically stereotyped as. And just to prove it, over the next few weeks, I intend to demonstrate several purposeful applications for your gravity-challenged teats and dispel the misleading myths muttered of migrating mammoth male mammaries. These are my Practical Uses for Man-Boobs--or--PUMB's if you will.
PUMB #1: Temporary Emergency Bottle Stopper.
I figured this one out last week as I was mowing the lawn. I arrived home from work and right away I hopped on the lawnmower, barely coming inside long enough to change clothes and say "hi" to the wife and kids. I fired it up and got started. After a few minutes, my wife emerged from the house like a dream offering me a frosty LaBatt's Blue. Have I ever mentioned how much I love my....beer. Haha, you thought I was going to say wife. Well, I love her too. Hi, Glory! But a cold Canadian beer was just what I needed at that moment.
It had been a pretty busy week and the watering of the grass had been a bit neglected, producing a few dusty dry patches around the edge of the yard. I was using my slanted blade on the riding mower, the one I use for sucking up all the dead leaves and debris, leaving the yard spotless. The problem is, that particular blade also stirs up all the dust. And when you're holding an open bottle of beer in your hand, dust is not your friend.
My first thought was to turn the mower off and wait until I was done with my beer to resume cutting the grass. But that didn't sit well with me. It was defeating the whole purpose of the luxury of having a riding lawn mower. I mean if you can't drink beer at the same time you are mowing your lawn, what's the point?
The dust continued to blow up in the air and my beer was at risk of becoming mud. Instinctively, I clutched the bottle closer. It fit snugly right under my left man-boob. It was perfect. The heavens opened and the angels sang. My beer was safe, sealed with my own 100%natural built-in bottle cap. When I reached an adequately watered section of lawn, I resumed drinking my beer, dust-free.
I feel sorry for really skinny guys. If they were in my situation, they would have had no options other than sticking the open bottle up in their armpit. And that's just gross. So that's just one great advantage of having man-boobs. And there will be more, as I continue this series on PUMB's.
